SATIRE NOTICE: This entire article is satirical in nature. It wouldn’t be necessary to point this out if many folks in Alabama didn’t actually believe and repeat the crap spewed out by folks who would prohibit local alcohol sales. Then again, one assumes that some of these people even know what the word “satire” means.
HANCEVILLE – In the 48 hours since Hanceville voted itself wet, havoc and chaos has taken over the city. Prostitutes have taken over the street corners not yet burned down by looters and rioters. News teams from around the world are having difficulty getting satellite uplinks because of the thick smoke billowing up from the ruins of this once peaceful Alabama town.
“We’re not even waiting for alcohol to actually be sold in town,” said one rioter donned with plastic Satan horns. “We’ve been awaiting the opportunity to sin since national Prohibition. With even the mere thoughts of alcohol flowing through our brains, we are going to try to do every last thing forbidden anywhere in the Bible.”
Police have arrested three suspects on arson charges in connection the burning of Hanceville’s schools, churches and day care facilities. While the names of the suspects have not yet been released, a police spokesperson confirmed that the suspects were motivated by the wording of the city ordinance which prohibits alcohol near these sorts of buildings.
Drug addiction is also becoming a considerable problem in the last two days.
“When we went wet, I went up to Athens to check out what this booze stuff was all about,” reported a former teetotaling person camped out overnight in a block long line at the methadone clinic. “All it took was one sip of the demon rum and the next thing you know I was shooting up heroin into my veins. A day and a half later and I’m robbing banks to maintain my habit.”
As predicted by the experts, the crime rate has skyrocketed. Despite a strong National Guard presence and a dusk to dawn curfew, rioting continues unabated. At a press conference on Wednesday evening, Governor Bentley confirmed that he had asked the federal government for increased assistance. State Homeland Security officials stated that they will have a squadron of Air Force fighters at their disposal and an armored Army brigade on the ground by morning.
Over the last few years, experts also predicted that strip clubs would flourish if alcohol was legalized. Little did they know how rapidly the situation would lead to brothels and street prostitution.
“We’re not waiting for alcohol sales to open the doors — people are just going to have to brown bag it until the city gets the licensing procedures in place,” said John Jefferson, the managing operator for the new Pussycat Ranch II brothel, which bills itself as a place where upperscale Hanceville gentleman can be discretely entertained. According to some reports, the exodus of prostitutes from other cities to Alabama’s newest hotbed of sin is causing local economic catastrophes. This is especially true for locations in Nevada and Europe where legal brothels exist. New employment figures from Nevada are now showing a 12 percent unemployment increase since the Hanceville vote on Tuesday.
Worse yet, street prostitution has taken over sectors of the city.
“Deez my beetches,” proudly exclaimed a man with a New Jersey accent who was wearing a pinstriped suit, gold chains and a fancy fedora. “We gots this street up to the tracks and down to da red light. Big Jimmy has the next block over down to da city limit sign.”
Fearful of their pimps, most of the street prostitutes failed to provide any additional information. However, one unnamed lady of ill repute warned of a probable upcoming street war between several of the new pimps in town who will apparently be fighting over street turf.
Especially perplexed was one Hartselle resident. In 2010, he told the Hartselle Enquirer the following:
“For Hartselle to make any money from alcohol sales, with each drink taxed at five cents, everybody in town would be so drunk they couldn’t work or worry about economic development in the first place..Its best to just work with the chamber and ADO in Montgomery to bring in legitimate economic development…If Hartselle goes wet, with so many drunks on the road, when I drive to Birmingham, I’m going to have to figure out a route around Hartselle, all the way through Double Springs to get there.”
While this resident was unavailable for comment, neighbors report that he is busy now trying to figure out an interstate route which avoids the Hanceville exit.
The Alabama Democratic Party has requested help from ACORN to aid with voter registration.
“We signed up two new Democrats yesterday, quadrupling the amount of Dems in the state since the 2010 elections,” stated one party official.
“That’s why we need tougher voter ID laws,” responded state Republicans. “The new DNA database and retinal scan program should fix this issue. If it doesn’t, we can add voter fraud to the list of death penalty crimes in the state.”
Alabama gambling icon Milton McGregor has already invested millions into Hanceville’s new gaming industry.
“Over here, we have roulette electronic bingo,” said McGregor as he led reporters though one of his new multimillion dollar Hanceville facilities. “And over here, we have blackjack electronic bingo and Texas Hold’Em electronic bingo.”
While his office didn’t return our call, county officials confirmed local rumors that holding companies related to Donald Trump’s vast financial empire have purchased significant amounts of real estate in town.
“The telling thing was the amount of male hair products which have been shipped to Hanceville,” stated a national tabloid. “Either Mitt Romney is planning a campaign stop or The Don is moving to town.”
Yesterday’s Decatur Daily editorial page blasted the new law, stating that most of Decatur’s rapidly expanding drug cartels have suddenly shut their doors and moved down south to Hanceville. Especially irritated was columnist Mitch Chase, who had previously warned Hartselle citizens that such a tragedy would befall them should they ever determine that people are responsible enough to purchase their beer locally.
“Like every other city that went wet before her, we’ve now doomed every last citizen of Hanceville to eternal hell fire and damnation,” said Saddam Hussein, who serves as the official Hell spokesperson and is widely rumored to be in Satan’s inner circle. “Hartselle can run, but it cannot hide. We’ll have anarchy on the streets there soon enough, too.”
As expected, local and national politicians joined the media circus surrounding the end of Hanceville’s era of prohibition.
“Every since we announced that we plan to extend the individual mandate to alcohol sales, Hanceville’s economy has boomed,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney at a White House press conference held shortly after Tuesday’s election results were announced. “Alcohol is a right, and equal access to free booze is the most important issue you will see coming from the president’s desk between now and election day.”
The Republican presidential candidates jumped in to the mix, too.
“There’s nothing better to wash down my cheesy grits and catfish than a cold Bud Lite,” said former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney at one of the few Hanceville diners yet untouched by fire.
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich was unavailable for comment, but a campaign adviser told us off the record that staffers are trying to keep Gingrich away from Hanceville.
“Every time he gets around booze, he ends up with another wife. It might become confusing for voters if we have to change spouses in the middle of the campaign.”
“It’s a shame they legalized it,” said former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, who was wearing a sweater vest for the interview. “Wine sales are the gateway drug to sexual deviancy. The next thing you know, every boy in town will become a homosexual and every female will want birth control.”
While Texas Congressman Ron Paul never spent time or money campaigning in Alabama, he suddenly found himself in the limelight as national surveys indicated a surge in his polling numbers in Hanceville since the prohibition was lifted.
“It dates back to a secret meeting between the Bilderbergers and the Trilateral folks during the Wilson years,” explained Paul to a crowd of college students. “Today, their mission is carried on by the Federal Reserve, who wants to control the price of alcohol with foreign wars in places which all outlaw booze.”
While the Governor’s office and state Homeland Security seem to be handling this travesty responsibly, this hasn’t stopped other state politicians from joining in the fray.
“I’ve already prefiled the bill to outlaw all books which contain any reference to alcohol,” state legislator Gerald Dial told The Birmingham News.
Former state senator Hank Erwin sent us a press release stating that Hanceville will be wiped of the map by hurricanes, just like He did to “those sinners” with Hurricane Katrina.
“What’s wrong with the hos that we got,” said state legislator Alvin Holmes at a State House press conference this morning.
In the meantime, Hanceville politicos have their hands full with new issues relating to the recent vote. A key issue will be the new name for Alabama’s now fastest growing city.
“I think we should rename it Sodom,” said one resident while ducking nearby gunfire. “Gomorrah sounds too much like a social disease and that will be bad branding for all of the new sex workers we’ve recently attracted.”
“True, but Gomorrah just plain sounds better,” shouted one of his buddies.
This issue will be debated at the next Hanceville Town Hall meeting. Also appearing on their agenda is the total ban of pork chops.